Tag: survivor

The Healing Tree – First Steps to Recovery

They waited. They waited for me to open my eyes, to try and talk, to want to eat, to remember, to feel; to be the me they needed and remembered. What kind of special circle of hell that must have been for them.

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(My name is Mary Beth Orr. I am a professional horn player and currently 3rd Horn in the Grand Rapids Symphony. The following is my story in hopes it may be a helpful resource.)

So, what are the nuts and bolts to what I was dealing with? If I’m honest…. The hospital recovery was… meh. Well, maybe not “meh” because if any of you have experienced “resting” in a hospital, you know it’s impossible. The sheets are uncomfortable, the bed and pillows are awful, and they wake you up every 2-4 hours to check your vitals. You also can’t really roll on your side if you’re a side sleeper with the ungodly number of needles and tubes coming out of you. But let’s just say it was passive. I wasn’t actively doing anything. To be frank, no one really was, outside of praying like crazy which is totally LEGIT and meant the world to me. There was nothing to actually do, really, but wait. They waited. They waited for me to open my eyes, to try and talk, to want to eat, to remember, to feel; to be the me they needed and remembered. What kind of special circle of hell that must have been for them.

Medically, I was in the process of healing a lacerated liver and kidney. Ok, I was told that but have no recollection of “feeling” anything regarding that. I had a collapsed lung. Well, by the time I woke up I couldn’t tell that had even happened. Then there was the bleeding spleen. Also, couldn’t really tell. As you’re beginning to pick up a pattern… I am not going to exaggerate any part of this to make it seem more dramatic or traumatic than it was. This whole project is to help others connect to their own journey to healing and me overblowing anything for attention is not the way. My promise to all reading and following this blog will be pure and unfiltered honesty. I truly believe my story isn’t special. It’s just mine.

The day after I got home from the hospital and got my retainer with a fake tooth. You can see the seat belt scar along my chest and the tens machine wire to help manage the pain. I really needed to show everyone that cared about me, that I was okay. Looks are deceiving sometimes…..

Now, what was a definite unpleasant reality…. The broken C6 and C7 vertebrae didn’t feel great. It mostly hurt in my right shoulder. A nagging, pointy pain that radiated across my collar bone, making sitting up straight uncomfortable. Then there was my lip. I bit completely through my bottom lip just right of center, only slightly past where my mouthpiece loves to rest. My tissue was healing so fast it was creating what they call a “mucus plug” around the sutures (lovely term huh) causing me to look like a tobacco chewing rodeo star. My tooth was missing. MOTHER FUCKER that is the absolute worst part. I know what this means. I can’t “plant medicine” my way out of this. I’m going to need a dental super hero. I didn’t have molds of my teeth…. so, this was going to be an adventure. My brain swelling. That is legit terrifying. I had no idea how permanent damage was going to be discovered. I improved quickly once I woke up but my memory was complete and total shit. No. Bueno. So, to summarize what we’re dealing with after leaving the hospital….

  1. Broken neck (Bummer)
  2. Brain Injury (Big Bummer) – see trauma section
  3. Severe lip trauma (Bigger Bummer)
  4. Missing front tooth aka, the “money maker” (BIGGEST BUMMER)

For the remainder of this post I will focus on the first steps toward healing in my cervical spine. I use the term cervical spine because I quickly learned (though I have been a frequent patient of chiropractic care) how even a small seemingly insignificant closed transverse fracture can radiate instability and pain all over your body. As I said before, I really felt it most in my collar bone and shoulder. I was extremely frustrated at having to wait for another MRI to receive chiropractic care. I get it, it makes sense, but I also knew my chiropractor was incredibly careful and diligent about knowing exactly what to do and when. (Love you Dr. Whitford). But, I was a good girl and waited, which was one of the few and only times I was patient throughout this journey back to ME. 

The breaking point was an agonizing 2 hr. drive to Grand Blanc to purchase another Honda to replace the one I’d destroyed. The level of aching pain see-sawing back and forth with sharp twinges prevented me from being able to sit up straight. The pervasiveness of nagging pain will make you absolutely crazy. Certifiable in fact. So as much as everyone said just to “wait” …. I said fuck it. I’m not feeling like this if I don’t have to. This is a recurring theme for me. I can only wait so long to move forward. I am TERMINALLY dissatisfied and impatient with unhappiness, obstacles, and immobility. 

IMMOBILITY. What a profound word for all of this. Immobility makes so much sense for what compelled me to push forward against the advice of the people and professionals that loved me the most. You see, no matter how much I loved, respected, and admired those that were supporting me, both personal and professional, I couldn’t stay immobile for them. A severe claustrophobia took over my physical and emotional place. So, if I have to move forward, if I have to push at my boundaries and circumstances, I at least tried to do it as smartly as I knew how. 

Step 1: Get that damn MRI to confirm I was in the clear. I did this about 10 days after leaving the hospital. Even being an “open” MRI was miserable. I thought I was going to jump out of my skin from not being able to move and keeping the claustrophobic panic at bay. I won’t sugar coat it… MRI’s suck. But, I was cleared! They couldn’t see the fracture anymore! So, Dr. Whitford here I come. 

Step 2: Chiropractic care from a qualified and conscientious professional was one of the best decisions I made. He requested the police report of the accident, Medical records from the accident, and took fresh x-rays. He took time to evaluate all of it and me before ANY TREATMENT. Once he decided how best to proceed, we did passive treatments with the activator method. It is a small hand held spring loaded instrument to provide accurate, quick, low force adjustments at very specific points. He also used red light therapy, or sometimes known as cold laser therapy. I will tell you…… I had ZERO pain after the first treatment. It was AMAZING. I believe we stayed with that type of gentle work 2 times per week for about 6 weeks before he moved to manual adjustments. Massage was also a huge factor in remaining pain free. I do not like pain medication and avoid it as much as possible. I needed none of the refills on the pain prescriptions from my primary. …. I advocate individuals evaluating everything for themselves. You are empowered to find the healthiest path for YOU. For me, staying with regular chiropractic and massage care kept my circulation moving and I believe helped my body do what it needed to. I describe it as giving my body an express lane without stop lights, traffic, or construction….for those living in MI … you know how we feel about shitty roads and construction.

Step 3: YOGA. This will come back in future posts but throwing it in the mix now. I actually ended up pursuing a 2ndyoga certification during this healing time. Through it, I re-harnessed my knowledge of anatomy, and how mindfulness of my movement can help the body heal from deep trauma. THE FASCIA NEVER FORGET! So, I dove into this with wild abandon! OK that was super dramatic…. but kind of true. I let my body and it’s needs guide me through the training in terms of inspiration, motivation, and focus.

A final adorable pic of my yoga mentor and fellow classmates at the end of my 2nd 200 hr yoga certification during the height of my healing process. Epic humans. I love my Redbloom family.

I have had different people scattered throughout my life and time since the accident make comments such as “How great you prioritize that luxury for yourself” …. Say WHA’???!!!!” UMMM NO. It is not a luxury to NEED to function in your life with a body that feels ready and eager to meet joy, adventure, AND challenges head on. It is the GOAL. Meeting your life as your best self is not a luxury. It is NECESSITY. 

Did I have to give up other things to sometimes afford it? Yep. Is it a privilege I could give up non-necessities to do so? Double yep. Because insurance views certain treatments as experimental (i.e.… big pharma can’t capitalize on it yet) we often find ourselves having to dig deep to fund more holistic and multi layered treatments. Some avenues around that, are finding a massage school near you. They always need volunteers for the student practicums. Chiropractic is a little bit more tricky but is now recognized by insurance as a legitimate treatment. Some chiropractors will also work with you based on your income. 

There will NEVER be a time in my life, I won’t need chiropractic care to function optimally. I have just accepted that. Same thing with massage, yoga too for that matter. I look forward to them in my schedule because it is tangible self-care that helps me now lead a vibrant life.  I have found, if you search hard enough…. And keep telling your story, the universe will bring your helpers. So, readers, in closing, prioritize YOUR physical and mental needs during recovery, and give space to possibility. YOUR healing is possible and waiting. Even if it is unconventional. Even if no one else in your life understands why you must do it the way your intuition is guiding you. 

See you next time for a riveting discussion on lip trauma! That……. may be a two part-err.

Until then, please be well. 

The Healing Tree-Waking Up Pt. 2

“Don’t feel guilty…. don’t feel guilty. So many flowers, don’t cry. Don’t dwell on how much I feel like I don’t deserve this. Gratitude isn’t greed…. or narcissism, or maybe I should make a t-shirt out of that….”

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A Blog and Community dedicated to healing in all its forms

(My name is Mary Beth Orr. I am a professional horn player and currently 3rd Horn in the Grand Rapids Symphony. The following is my story in hopes it may be a helpful resource.)

Trauma post #2

HOMECOMING

Home is nice. Home is good. I love my bed. It feels like HEAVEN. Especially after the hospital bed. Why is it you can’t ever get warm in a hospital bed? The sheets are so rough, the blankets are the most NON-cozy things ever and the pillows…. I’m going to sleep like the…. oh wait…. I’m not gonna go there. 

I’m not allowed to walk down the stairs by myself….my husband is being so sweet and protective. I dig it. Which helps me not be pissed about not being able to walk down the stairs by myself. But…. it’s been a few days, and he’s at the store and I’m bored out of my skull. It won’t be dangerous for me to vacuum…. If I hurry, he won’t even know…. Dear God, I just need to DO something….and the floor is legitimately gross….

I got myself “ready” today. I showered, braided my hair, put on a little makeup. Time for the selfie. I feel a sense of urgency I need to show everyone that I’m ok. The amount of love and support I’ve gotten is so overwhelming and honestly, makes me feel so so so guilty. Another WTF from this whole thing. Why can’t I just accept and enjoy peoples support and love and help? They put together a meal train for Kerry and me. He has been out of work since April 11. Luckily, I have enough sick days to cover things for a while. My symphony family donated a ton of sick days to me too…. Don’t feel guilty…. don’t feel guilty. So many flowers, don’t cry. Don’t dwell on how much I feel like I don’t deserve this. Gratitude isn’t greed…. or narcissism, or maybe I should make a t-shirt out of that…. It’s ok. Today is a good day. I feel the love, I feel more like myself, I’m wearing actual clothes and not pajamas. I want to go through my things from the hospital. I know my clothing was cut off me. And thrown away. I apparently “messed myself” on impact. That’s a fun little tidbit. But that’s ok. It’s past now. You’re not supposed to care about that when you almost die and scare the shit out of everyone that loves you. Putting on my wedding rings again and sorting through what was at the hospital will get me even more back to normal. 

My rings are cut in half. All of them. My grandma and Poppi’s rings are broken. The date inscribed of their wedding is gone. Fucking Gone. I ruined everything. I ruined everything. I RUINED EVERYTHING. Ok. Bat shit crazy losing it. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK ETC. ETC. ETC. ETC. ETC. Oh God…. Vic can hear me but I can’t stop. I can’t stop. 

Not. Okay. Nothing is ok. 

(End of Exercise)

For reference, it took me over a year to do this exercise. And 4 to share it. It was not easy to do. I wanted to be better so incredibly fast, going back to those feelings and acknowledging them, felt like a useless pointless barrier holding me back. I have struggled to accept each emotion during the entire journey back. I consistently wondered “Is this what I should be feeling?”, “Is this what will help me get better faster?” 

Acceptance of every moment was the only option, whatever that meant, and was a constant challenge to keep my self-judgement at bay. It was so easy to question my reactions to the compassion and generosity of those around me, milestones in my physiological recovery, and expectations…truly, simply all expectations in general. 

Here are a few examples of things that triggered feelings of guilt.

-Any time I allowed myself to feel grief, a sense of loss, “feeling sorry for myself”

(i.e. Discovering my rings had been cut, realizing clumps of my hair had been cut to remove my hair tie, my tooth, a photograph in my car that went missing.) 

-Donations, cards, flowers.

-acts of service…. cleaning for me, making me food.

-not being able to rest, not wanting to rest, being ungrateful for the ability to rest.

-Not being able to match anyone’s emotional levels. (more on that later)

-not being “grateful” enough.

Things that triggered anger (To be CLEAR- I was not angry at those that said these. The emotion it would trigger was very surprising and unwanted)

            -When people would say things like….” At least you play piano and you can still do that”

            “You are soooo lucky to be alive”, “You’re such an inspiration”, “You’re so strong”

  • And this one needs some further explanation “If anyone can come back from this, it’s you” 

So…. none of these things are negative and all of them are supportive. WHY WOULD THIS TRIGGER THESE FEELINGS!? One of the most frustrating parts of recovering from trauma is simply accepting your feelings as you have them. My feelings after and during this trauma were not going to be like anyone else’s and that is ok. My therapist worked very hard at keeping me aware of my own judgement against MYSELF. My feelings, all of them, weren’t what was keeping me from recovering; my judgement was. My fear over the unknown, my career, my mind, my life as I had planned, kept me from resting. Running from the fear by trying to DO as much as possible as soon as I could, only temporarily gave me peace. At the same time, denying my innate desire and instinct to be active and proactive in my recovery wasn’t helping either. I had to figure out some sense of balance. I had to honor who I was (an Alpha “doer” and over achiever), to manage and facilitate my healing, rather than constantly try to fight and act the way I thought others expected I should. 

With my therapist, I worked out a new way to assess a “successful day”. What was my new definition of a good day? I made meditation and quiet time an achievement. It was a goal to get as much of it as possible. My brain health required it so …. doing an active form of nothing, became a proactive something contributing to my recovery. I combined it with another activity that had a productive element to it. In the mornings, I would let my dogs out, start the sprinkler and sit and watch my dogs play, drink coffee, meditate, and water my lawn all at the same time. Something so incredibly simple had a profound ability to bring me peace just by shifting the perspective it held in my mind. Was I happy? Hell no. I still had the same fears and anxieties and anger…. It just didn’t rule my day anymore and didn’t give me a sense of shame anymore. What the shift did for me was help me to wait. That’s what recovering from trauma is; waiting. Every time someone said, “you just need time to heal”, I wanted to vomit, or slap them, or blow something up…. you know, normal healthy responses…. But when I shifted my definition of healing to something I could make active, I felt a sense of momentum in the waiting. What gives you momentum in the waiting? It occurred to me we all seem to be waiting for something. 

Next time…. let’s talk about feelings…or in my case, wondering where they went. 

Until then, Be Well. 

The Healing Tree

“I have struggled over the last few years to write about and share my experience because it is legitimately hard as hell. But I felt so alone during the process and felt hungry for truly functional information about what was happening to me. And the fear about what might happen or not happen was at times, paralyzing and alienating. So take this as an open invitation to go on a healing journey with me. I want to explore what healing means to all of us.”

marybethorrLeave a comment

A blog and community dedicated to healing in all its forms

INTRO – Post # 1

Courtesy of Karin Willman and A La Carte Photography

(My name is Mary Beth Orr. I am a professional horn player and currently 3rd Horn in the Grand Rapids Symphony. The following is my story in hopes it may be a helpful resource.)

3/11/2022

Whelp….. I’m healing again. AGAIN. Not just figuratively, but literally. A broken wrist. It’s annoying, frustrating, irritating, inconvenient, sometimes depressing…. And real. And triggering. 

The word healing may trigger different responses in different people. This broken wrist is a nuisance at most but right now, for me, it brings me right back to the place and time that forever changed my life, and almost took it. 

This Blog will detail the trauma, recovery, and rehabilitation involved as a result of a debilitating car crash. I’ve separated my story into sections in the attempt of making access to specific information easier for those searching for it. If you are in the midst of trauma, just recovering, or processing trauma maybe reading about my experience and what I share about mine, might make you feel less alone, less strange, or helps you embrace and accept your own journey. I also have a section dedicated to recovery and what I like to think of as the “nitty gritty” of what I did medically and physiologically to heal and move forward through the most volatile and insecure time of my professional life. My rehabilitation section is dedicated to my journey back to playing my horn professionally and the very messy “workout montage” that it wasn’t. Please use this as a resource in any way you need.

On May 5 2018 I was T-boned on the driver side going through a stop sign on a rural road. I broke my C6 and C7 vertebrae, collapsed my lung, ruptured my spleen, lacerated my liver and kidney, sustained a head trauma resulting in a 3 day coma of which no one knew if I would wake up, and the worst of all….. bit entirely through my lower lip and lost my left front tooth. While this might seem the least of my injuries, being a professional French Hornist with a major orchestra, made this almost the worst possible injury I could have. 

“Betty White” My trusted Honda Accord saved my life.
This was the beginning of Day 2 – My husband took this. I have no memory of those 3 days.

For my family, they just wanted me to wake up, which wasn’t clear was going to happen. They were in absolute hell for 3 days not knowing if I would become conscious again, and if I did, who would I be? Would I still be me? But for me, waking up was awakening to the reality, that though they might still see me, and recognize “me” in all my personality traits and appearance, what would I see? If I couldn’t play the horn again, would I truly be “me”? Would I feel like myself? Would I have to re-evaluate what that meant? Am I going to have to become a different person just to survive and convince myself I don’t hate every living moment of not being able to do what I love? BE what I love. Because that is what music is for me. It IS me. It is how experience love, and joy, and pain, and excitement; life in general. It isn’t what I do, it is literally who and what I am. Is that unhealthy? I don’t actually care. I didn’t then and I still don’t. It is just a reality I accepted a long time ago, and when I did, it allowed me to let go into my joy so completely I never looked back. 

I have struggled over the last few years to write about and share my experience because it is legitimately hard as hell. But I felt so alone during the process and felt hungry for truly functional information about what was happening to me. And the fear about what might happen or not happen was at times, paralyzing and alienating. A friend was just brutally injured in an automobile accident that may still take his life. He may very well be faced with an even greater level of lengthy healing, and need to dig profoundly deep into his soul for the strength to fight as hard as he possibly can to get back to his fullest expression of being. I want to share my process, my journey, my fight so that when the time comes for him, he might feel less alone. I want him to be able to feel fully and completely validated in his feelings, his choices, and HIS process. 

So take this as an open invitation to go on a healing journey with me. I want to explore what healing means to all of us. I’ve found that my healing particularly fell into these categories:

  1. Trauma – that is a loaded word isn’t it? There are so many levels to trauma it could rival the Bloomin’ Onion at Outback. How do we walk through that trauma and find OUR OWN road/path to healing? It doesn’t have to look like someone else’s, so let’s explore holding space for that. 
  2. Recovery – Also a word that could mean so many different things to different people. But for me, I want to provide specific details on how I approached my physical recovery. How did I care for my neck fracture? My lip? My tooth? My mind? I had so much trouble finding resources that gave me confidence in my treatments and felt I was flying blind in terms of what would apply to my goals, ie get back to playing my professional orchestra job. The nuts and bolts of healing our amazing bodies is vast and helpful. The body has an amazing ability to adapt and heal itself. I want us to talk about what that has looked like for all of us. My healing story is only one of so many. What if we share what worked for each of us?
  3. Rehabilitation – So we may be simultaneously walking with trauma, actively recovering, but when is it time to rehabilitate? Do we have to wait until the physical healing and emotional healing is complete before we begin? I can say most of the resources I found regarding rehabilitation (getting back to playing) say pretty much exactly that. I can also safely say, it was NOT going to work for me. It was scary to deviate from the “methods” I found, but I did it for my own sanity. I had to find my own way that felt right and allowed me to calm my monkey mind while letting my body adapt. How great would it be if we all were able to give ourselves the space and support to also find what works for each of us? Without the fear that one wrong decision, choice, or step would ruin everything?
2 Months after the accident. Photo Courtesy of Karin Willman and A La Carte Photography

So, here we go. In the coming weeks I will dive more in to my story under each of these topics and welcome your contributions and insights from your own experiences. We don’t have to fit into one method, mold, or process. Maybe together we find a new, better, and more authentic way to heal together. 

Be well.